Skip to content
Apr 30 13

Little Things You Put in Me That Grew BIG

by Brittany Ann

© photo by badjonni via flickr.

I’ve had to be quiet. I’ve had to be so quiet and silenced that I’ve left my job. Why would I do that after 9 years of success? I’m 26 with a successful working future to look to. At least it seemed that way for a short while.

“I did it” because I can’t stand through the paranoid thoughts anymore. I can’t lose focus and forget myself- really forget myself and dissociate daily in the healthcare field. I’ve felt surreal for some time now. It’s happening again like it did when I was younger and mentally checking out from the abuse by my mother and father.

My psychiatrist of 4 years is too late. He does what he can to treat my symptoms, but the effects of being a childhood abuse survivor can’t be medicated away. There’s no medication that will pull me back into myself. Nothing will keep my skin from crawling and tingling and keep my paranoia from being acted on verbally.

© photo by byob_soad2 via flickr.

– “How often would you estimate it happened?”

You instilled paranoia as I waited for 2-3 days for the next round of abuse.

– “You’re a whore. You’re a slut. You’re a whore, and this is your fault.”

This feels unreal,” I thought to myself as a child, when I just couldn’t block it out anymore and I heard you.

    – Mom is naked. Mom spreads her legs and touches herself in front of me.

My skin has never stopped tingling and crawling completely ever since.

My father whipped me, but he punched at me, and he positioned his hands to hit me hard intimately. He positioned his body to all but suffocate me at his crotch. I felt him all around me and inside of me. I felt violence and fear encompassing me and replacing my air with its toxicity.

I was humiliated- beaten and aroused purposefully, suffocated and surrounded by a man at every part of me. His toxicity infected my body and mind.

I can’t pull me back to myself.

You have already voted.
Jul 9 12

Make a Move

by Brittany Ann

It’s been a very long two years. June was a difficult and pivotal month for me, as usual for me for some reason. I just couldn’t get the words out that I really wanted to. That has to be one of the most common and frustrating issues of survivors, so I have heard on Pandora’s Project forums and from friends.

Two years ago, the biggest trigger of my life was introduced. I was floored that being blessed with one of my dreams was in truth, a paralyzing pain. I was frozen- a newborn in my arms that I couldn’t comfort as I had wished. My biggest trigger was this precious new life in my arms- miss ZK, a beautiful daughter. I summoned the energy to feed her, then napped every 3 hours with little help and an idea that I had forever surrendered the me I had always been. These two years later, thankfully, I now know that life isn’t over. I know that I can be “me,” even learn more about myself, and it will actually help her as we create a good life with what we believe in. It’s been a long ride to these new days, however.

When I couldn’t get the words out last month, I was making big decisions. After being a stay-at-home mom for 2 years, a beautiful opportunity has risen from previous pain. I made a move when all else seems impossible. It seems impossible to be a stay-at-home mom forever. It’s just not “me.” It doesn’t find me at my best.

I want to be the best for my daughter. I won’t be emotionally unavailable for her, and I don’t want to find her blogging about her childhood in a painful way. Her world will open up next month with learning, play, and social activities that I beg of the “universe” to let me mentally and financially afford to provide for her.

Here’s to making a move in parenting that I was so afraid I would never trust to do.

This is one important note about the biggest trigger of my life. But hear me that I say it in more and more of a sense of empowerment now. Isn’t it brilliant when we can face a trigger, name it, and in my case- hope to provide the most of the best I possibly can for <3

To my fellow MDSA survivors who fight against the tide of the past and the lack of examples, yet parent, as P&G says: “You’re doing okay, mom.”

“Just let me try, and I will be good to you.
Just let me try, and I will be there for you.
I’ll show you why you’re so much more than good enough.”
-Sarah McLachlan, “Good Enough”

You have already voted.
May 23 12

Father’s Day Approaching

by Brittany Ann

With Father’s Day approaching in June in a few weeks, I want to get a head start in preparing myself unlike I did for Mother’s Day. This is a good time to submit an entry from my blog, Mourning the Abused Inner Child, to the May 2012 Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. I feel like what I wrote in that post still very much applies in how I feel.

For one thing, I still feel quite silenced. Sometimes, it is just hard to communicate and I am tired. Secondly, it is only me who will be mourning for my abused inner child, and I continue to know that now. My mother and father aren’t going to give time of day to the pain that they’ve caused. My brother and sister are pretty much oblivious and I cannot blame them. There was a brief time where I could live in denial of at least Mother-Daughter sexual abuse.

With this Father’s Day approaching, I expect what I will feel. This year, after 11 years with no contact with my abusive father, I finally (finally) feel more than just pain. I feel like that man was human. I feel like no matter how vile a person, he is still the only person in this world who I got several traits from. He is my only father. Somehow, very strangely, I miss him or something. I am not sure what I am missing, but these new emotions open one scary door.

I hope that any Father-Daughter abuse survivors reading the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse this month will feel less alone. I am thinking of those fellow survivors already. I only wish that we could change who the abusers have made us.

You have already voted.